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queen_unicorn_rejectOk
So yeah, I was called by two elders today. We met at a cafe. It was the special pioneer, who I met last time with the head elder. Then it was one of the alternative service guys who was promoted to eldership recently.
This was a weird and short meeting. Basically, the SP asked me: Have you really confessed ALL your sins? Are you sure you're not leaving anything out? And I said yes, I don't have anything else. Then he asked me, were my bouts with homosexuality and doubts over the JW faith truly stem from mental disorders? Or do I really not believe in the faith?
This was a very tricky question for me. I was allowed to go downstairs for a little time to think and to "pray". I called my mom instead. We talked about what I should say. We agreed I absolutely can't say I don't believe in the faith, as that is apostasy and grounds for disfellowshipment.
Basically, I said: It is true I have had doubts over the faith in the past, and expressed this in internet posts. I was born into the faith by my mother and for a very long time I just followed what she said. I met a lot of worldly friends and they stowed doubt in me as well. But I came to this new congregation, experienced the love they've given me, and been able to practice the faith with peers my own age, which is something I never had before. This has renewed faith in me, and I hope to be better and show improvement in the future.
I think I did pretty well. They just said ok and the conversation was over there. A little ominous that it ended so suddenly, but I might have gone on for too long.
So yeah, the lesson to learn from this is: My behaviour lately has been such a bad look that even the elders are suspicious that I am an apostate. That is not good. Of course, this is something even my mom doesn't know. I wonder what truly made them think this way: I have two theories, one of which is significantly worse.
The better and more likely explanation is that someone, most likely that leader guy in adminstration, but someone in the detention centre doing the alt service, "tipped" off the elders regarding me, and told them I might be engaging in apostasy, because I mean... obviously, if all they know about me is that I am potentially gay or trans, and do weird stuff, that's what they're gonna think. So that's probably what happened.
The other theory is much worse: It's that someone, whether that be someone who tipped the elders off, or the elders themselves, found evidence of my apostasy, like in one of my hidden locked accounts or, maybe, even this blog. I am considering hiding every post in this blog in case this is true. The diary is simply not worth keeping if it's available for all to read.
So yeah, this might be one of my last entries. Sigh. It's not like the diaries have been helping me out lately. And I been missing more and more of them recently too. Might be time to let it go.
I'll think about it. For now I guess I'll get some rest!
So yeah, I was called by two elders today. We met at a cafe. It was the special pioneer, who I met last time with the head elder. Then it was one of the alternative service guys who was promoted to eldership recently.
This was a weird and short meeting. Basically, the SP asked me: Have you really confessed ALL your sins? Are you sure you're not leaving anything out? And I said yes, I don't have anything else. Then he asked me, were my bouts with homosexuality and doubts over the JW faith truly stem from mental disorders? Or do I really not believe in the faith?
This was a very tricky question for me. I was allowed to go downstairs for a little time to think and to "pray". I called my mom instead. We talked about what I should say. We agreed I absolutely can't say I don't believe in the faith, as that is apostasy and grounds for disfellowshipment.
Basically, I said: It is true I have had doubts over the faith in the past, and expressed this in internet posts. I was born into the faith by my mother and for a very long time I just followed what she said. I met a lot of worldly friends and they stowed doubt in me as well. But I came to this new congregation, experienced the love they've given me, and been able to practice the faith with peers my own age, which is something I never had before. This has renewed faith in me, and I hope to be better and show improvement in the future.
I think I did pretty well. They just said ok and the conversation was over there. A little ominous that it ended so suddenly, but I might have gone on for too long.
So yeah, the lesson to learn from this is: My behaviour lately has been such a bad look that even the elders are suspicious that I am an apostate. That is not good. Of course, this is something even my mom doesn't know. I wonder what truly made them think this way: I have two theories, one of which is significantly worse.
The better and more likely explanation is that someone, most likely that leader guy in adminstration, but someone in the detention centre doing the alt service, "tipped" off the elders regarding me, and told them I might be engaging in apostasy, because I mean... obviously, if all they know about me is that I am potentially gay or trans, and do weird stuff, that's what they're gonna think. So that's probably what happened.
The other theory is much worse: It's that someone, whether that be someone who tipped the elders off, or the elders themselves, found evidence of my apostasy, like in one of my hidden locked accounts or, maybe, even this blog. I am considering hiding every post in this blog in case this is true. The diary is simply not worth keeping if it's available for all to read.
So yeah, this might be one of my last entries. Sigh. It's not like the diaries have been helping me out lately. And I been missing more and more of them recently too. Might be time to let it go.
I'll think about it. For now I guess I'll get some rest!
