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queen_unicorn_rejectThe Critical Point
Fuck.
It has now reached the critical point.
So today, on Sunday, the elders have decided they need to have what is called a "Judicial Committe Meeting" with me. This is the JWs equivalent of a trial. If they have sufficient evidence or witnesses that someone has committed sin, they hold an official meeting at the Kingdom Hall.
This is where I am now.
They've told me my crimes are three things: 1. Sharing of erotic material and obscene language. 2. "Brazen conduct." 3. Being involved in the creation of materials that endorse homosexuality.
So my mom also called the head elder. Because I can't, like, ask them, "what erotic material," my mom called instead because she can ask more questions as a bystander. As a result, I've learned two things:
1. I believe they found my alternate Bluesky account.
2. They know about the Tully thing.
Now, the Bluesky account seems more damning than any of the others. After all, I had told the elders that I had deleted everything. This is gonna be the toughest one to weasel out of. I believe the "erotic materials" refer to some of the porn I reposted on that account. THIS is going to be very very hard to bullshit my way out of. I think I just have to admit that, yeah, I did that and I feel bad about it. There's really no avoiding it.
The Tully thing, seemingly, seems to not be in the list of crimes. I believe they're hesitant to pin this on me because their source is the MIDI Bunny callout, which is "wordly" sources, not reliable to them. However I don't really gain anything from completely denying it, now that it's come up. I believe I'll also just have to approach this one head-on, and say yeah, that happened, I was young and stupid, I regret it and it was so long ago I had forgotten about it.
Brazen conduct is sort of a meme term in JW society, sort of a catch-all term for any act that involves concerning yourself with worldly influences or peoples. If you interact even slightly with non-JWs, they will sic you with the "brazen conduct" sin. In my case, though, it is kind of fair, so I can't say I don't deserve it.
There's two likely outcomes from this. First is the "private reprove" which is basically a pat on the back and telling me to stop doing that anymore. This is technically what they've been doing all this time, it's just on an "official" level now. Perhaps they will tell me to stop giving comments at meetings. That will make it slightly obvious to everyone else that something happened, but I'm still allowed to save face.
The second outcome is the "public reprove" in which they publicly announce to the congregation, in front of 50 people, that I have committed sin. This is rather bad for me for obvious reasons. I believe it won't come to this, as long as I beg and grovel and apologise.
However, rumours will spread in the detention centre, 100%. I cannot avoid that no matter the outcome.
So yeah. This is full force, radioactive nuclear, absolute critical reaching point. I am on the thinnest of ice here. In other words, one mistake from now on and I am absolutely fucked. So far I have been able to avoid disfellowshipment, AKA shunning. But it becomes within the realm of possibility if I'm not careful in the future.
One thing is, I believe they have not found this blog. If they have, apostasy would be one of the crimes for sure. That's good. But this is genuinely the only place that hasn't been compromised yet. Everywhere else is.
So I have decided I am officially calling it quits with social media. I don't think it's worth it at this point. I did make a THIRD bluesky account, but I'm just going to use it to like posts and follow people. I'm not posting anything.
I've been able to get away with a lot all this time but I've fucked up too many times. This is the consequences of my actions. I could and should have done better. For that I feel deep shame. But for now, I just have to go to that meeting and I have to apologise until they're convinced I have truly repented.
Goddamnit.
Fuck.
It has now reached the critical point.
So today, on Sunday, the elders have decided they need to have what is called a "Judicial Committe Meeting" with me. This is the JWs equivalent of a trial. If they have sufficient evidence or witnesses that someone has committed sin, they hold an official meeting at the Kingdom Hall.
This is where I am now.
They've told me my crimes are three things: 1. Sharing of erotic material and obscene language. 2. "Brazen conduct." 3. Being involved in the creation of materials that endorse homosexuality.
So my mom also called the head elder. Because I can't, like, ask them, "what erotic material," my mom called instead because she can ask more questions as a bystander. As a result, I've learned two things:
1. I believe they found my alternate Bluesky account.
2. They know about the Tully thing.
Now, the Bluesky account seems more damning than any of the others. After all, I had told the elders that I had deleted everything. This is gonna be the toughest one to weasel out of. I believe the "erotic materials" refer to some of the porn I reposted on that account. THIS is going to be very very hard to bullshit my way out of. I think I just have to admit that, yeah, I did that and I feel bad about it. There's really no avoiding it.
The Tully thing, seemingly, seems to not be in the list of crimes. I believe they're hesitant to pin this on me because their source is the MIDI Bunny callout, which is "wordly" sources, not reliable to them. However I don't really gain anything from completely denying it, now that it's come up. I believe I'll also just have to approach this one head-on, and say yeah, that happened, I was young and stupid, I regret it and it was so long ago I had forgotten about it.
Brazen conduct is sort of a meme term in JW society, sort of a catch-all term for any act that involves concerning yourself with worldly influences or peoples. If you interact even slightly with non-JWs, they will sic you with the "brazen conduct" sin. In my case, though, it is kind of fair, so I can't say I don't deserve it.
There's two likely outcomes from this. First is the "private reprove" which is basically a pat on the back and telling me to stop doing that anymore. This is technically what they've been doing all this time, it's just on an "official" level now. Perhaps they will tell me to stop giving comments at meetings. That will make it slightly obvious to everyone else that something happened, but I'm still allowed to save face.
The second outcome is the "public reprove" in which they publicly announce to the congregation, in front of 50 people, that I have committed sin. This is rather bad for me for obvious reasons. I believe it won't come to this, as long as I beg and grovel and apologise.
However, rumours will spread in the detention centre, 100%. I cannot avoid that no matter the outcome.
So yeah. This is full force, radioactive nuclear, absolute critical reaching point. I am on the thinnest of ice here. In other words, one mistake from now on and I am absolutely fucked. So far I have been able to avoid disfellowshipment, AKA shunning. But it becomes within the realm of possibility if I'm not careful in the future.
One thing is, I believe they have not found this blog. If they have, apostasy would be one of the crimes for sure. That's good. But this is genuinely the only place that hasn't been compromised yet. Everywhere else is.
So I have decided I am officially calling it quits with social media. I don't think it's worth it at this point. I did make a THIRD bluesky account, but I'm just going to use it to like posts and follow people. I'm not posting anything.
I've been able to get away with a lot all this time but I've fucked up too many times. This is the consequences of my actions. I could and should have done better. For that I feel deep shame. But for now, I just have to go to that meeting and I have to apologise until they're convinced I have truly repented.
Goddamnit.
