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queen_unicorn_rejectWe Cool?
So. Me and Bea are not together for the mean time. We've decided to take a "temporary break" from being in a relationship.
It's not a big deal. We're not even going to tell anybody. I'm not going to tell anybody except Serena and whoever sees this, I guess. If you see this, don't freak out, we're still cool. It's just a decision we both made because our relationship hasn't been healthy in a long time, and ever since I got back to Seoul, it's been even worse, mostly because of my bad mood.
There was a few reasons. I'm going to try and remember a few of them here.
One of them which is simple is that we're kind of a dick to each other all the time, especially a lot lately. And to be fair, this is not really a problem for Bea at all. She doesn't really care if I'm a dick to her sometimes. But I'm kind of sensitive, so when Bea is mean to me, it stings a lot. And she doesn't really think it's fair for me to be rude to her but for me to demand that she stop being that way to me.
That kind of speaks to a core character flaw that I have, which is that I am very sensitive and get upset when people are mean to me, but I am mean and blunt to others all the time. I sorta can't accept what I dish out to people.
I think the biggest reason why we're not stable right now is something that's been building up for a long time. I thought I had come to terms with it, and in a way I already am right now. But as we get more co-dependant on each other, it's just going to become worse unless we try to do something about it.
But anyway, that reason is that Bea is aromantic. And she always has been. She can't reciprocate my romantic attraction, and this is true for all of her partners. But it's only really a problem with me because I desire romantic validation very heavily, and for the longest time, I didn't have anyone who could provide that for me. but because Bea can't or don't differentiate between romantic and platonic relationships, my demands for her to treat me more like a "girlfriend" only makes her frustrated.
Fundamentally, Bea is only dating me because that makes me happy. That goes the same for all of her partners. And it's not like she doesn't care about me, and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. That's the last thing she wants. I think that's why taking a short break can help both of us. So we can sort out what we really want from each other. She said we have to learn how to be good friends to each other before being good partners again.
The thing is that I want her to do "girlfriend" things to me, like calling me pretty, saying I love you, saying that I am special and important - and all of that seems trivial to Bea. She says it's so obvious to her that it's not worth saying. *I* think IT IS worth saying, because it makes me HAPPY. Serena said it's such a low effort thing that she doesn't understand why Bea wouldn't do them. But it is a lot of effort for Bea, because she never has to hear those things to be happy, so doing it for others is a lot of energy for her. And that is a fundamental difference in wants and needs between us.
I think that as I learn to find that emotional/romantic validation from other people, like Serena, my relationship with Bea will become stabilized and we can just be normal partners again. But right now we're in a sort of limbo state. Nothing has really changed because it's not like we were a very lovey-dovey couple before this. For Bea, it really is entirely about what we call each other and nothing else. I don't really know what it means to me right now, and I think that is something I'm going to try and find out during this time.
So yeah. MIDI Bunny is not breaking up or anything. We're gonna get back again in a few weeks. Things are cool, so don't panic or whatever. Hopefully no one even notices.
So. Me and Bea are not together for the mean time. We've decided to take a "temporary break" from being in a relationship.
It's not a big deal. We're not even going to tell anybody. I'm not going to tell anybody except Serena and whoever sees this, I guess. If you see this, don't freak out, we're still cool. It's just a decision we both made because our relationship hasn't been healthy in a long time, and ever since I got back to Seoul, it's been even worse, mostly because of my bad mood.
There was a few reasons. I'm going to try and remember a few of them here.
One of them which is simple is that we're kind of a dick to each other all the time, especially a lot lately. And to be fair, this is not really a problem for Bea at all. She doesn't really care if I'm a dick to her sometimes. But I'm kind of sensitive, so when Bea is mean to me, it stings a lot. And she doesn't really think it's fair for me to be rude to her but for me to demand that she stop being that way to me.
That kind of speaks to a core character flaw that I have, which is that I am very sensitive and get upset when people are mean to me, but I am mean and blunt to others all the time. I sorta can't accept what I dish out to people.
I think the biggest reason why we're not stable right now is something that's been building up for a long time. I thought I had come to terms with it, and in a way I already am right now. But as we get more co-dependant on each other, it's just going to become worse unless we try to do something about it.
But anyway, that reason is that Bea is aromantic. And she always has been. She can't reciprocate my romantic attraction, and this is true for all of her partners. But it's only really a problem with me because I desire romantic validation very heavily, and for the longest time, I didn't have anyone who could provide that for me. but because Bea can't or don't differentiate between romantic and platonic relationships, my demands for her to treat me more like a "girlfriend" only makes her frustrated.
Fundamentally, Bea is only dating me because that makes me happy. That goes the same for all of her partners. And it's not like she doesn't care about me, and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings. That's the last thing she wants. I think that's why taking a short break can help both of us. So we can sort out what we really want from each other. She said we have to learn how to be good friends to each other before being good partners again.
The thing is that I want her to do "girlfriend" things to me, like calling me pretty, saying I love you, saying that I am special and important - and all of that seems trivial to Bea. She says it's so obvious to her that it's not worth saying. *I* think IT IS worth saying, because it makes me HAPPY. Serena said it's such a low effort thing that she doesn't understand why Bea wouldn't do them. But it is a lot of effort for Bea, because she never has to hear those things to be happy, so doing it for others is a lot of energy for her. And that is a fundamental difference in wants and needs between us.
I think that as I learn to find that emotional/romantic validation from other people, like Serena, my relationship with Bea will become stabilized and we can just be normal partners again. But right now we're in a sort of limbo state. Nothing has really changed because it's not like we were a very lovey-dovey couple before this. For Bea, it really is entirely about what we call each other and nothing else. I don't really know what it means to me right now, and I think that is something I'm going to try and find out during this time.
So yeah. MIDI Bunny is not breaking up or anything. We're gonna get back again in a few weeks. Things are cool, so don't panic or whatever. Hopefully no one even notices.
